When that moment comes in conversation with another who had the same experience, where confirmation is given to the shadows of the youngest memories you have been seeing in the darkness of your mind, it’s like an explosion of light. The thing is that I cannot seem to determine how I feel about the light being on and shining so brightly. For so many years I knew the shadows were real, even though my mind would tell me I was imagining things and making them up. It’s extremely difficult to write about this.
Part of me feels so okay due to processing things over the years and another part of me is literally a fucking mess. Mad, angry, sad and not wanting to accept any of what has gone on, nor do I want to forgive. Who are those people to think it is okay to touch, fondle, coerce, manipulate and feed off of innocence? Why is this sickness so prevalent on the planet? My mind starts asking so many questions and quickly wants to totally distract me from what I want to avoid and accept as true.
Keep taking deep breaths is what I tell myself, just keep breathing!! You have hit the core of your self-loathing and self-deprecation on a level you have not come to before. This is where it all began. The foundation of who and how I saw myself to be. My mind wants to get all logical and explain the emotions away, just get over it I hear. That comes from all of those who have told me to get over the fact that I have been molested and raped, always those who are guilty themselves or the men who only wanted to have sex with me and fulfill their needs. With people like that there is no compassion, no caring, not giving any fucks! For them it is only about me, me, and me!
The fact is this. It happened. Am I going to let myself be defined by this abuse anymore? Hell no! It’s not okay that it happened, but it did. I want to turn this anger, sadness and emptiness in my chest into love, strength and courage! I want to rise above this aching and feeling frozen in place to a higher vibration of movement and manifestation. At this time period the emotions and memories of sexual abuse to whatever degree are thick in the air, almost suffocating if I tune into it completely. All of those who believe, those who don’t and those who won’t because they just don’t want to look at it, any of it.
I am stronger than any of those non-believers! I don’t need them to believe, for I have been walking through life with these truths stored safely inside me so I could continue to stand. Many times it has given me courage that others did not have, especially those who do not believe, do not want to see and are all about me, me, me. I commend myself every day for my courage and strength to still exist and be me, in the face of the adversity that goes on in my mind about who I really am. I remember to ask myself what I was taught by a dear friend, “who’s talking” and I remind myself to talk to myself as I would someone I love! Pull strength from the pain and courage from the struggle.
It truly is sad that they were so attracted to our light they had to steal it, since they gave theirs away to the darkness. With that said, to myself and all of those who match my words, WE ARE FUCKING AWESOME STRONG BEINGS AND OUR PURPOSE IS TO LET THE BEAUTY OF OUR BRILLIANCE AND LIGHT SHINE BRIGHTLY! We did not come here to be victims. We came to be warriors and warriors we are!
Photo by Sabel Blanco on Pexels.com
angelazeyn 