Warriors we are

When that moment comes in conversation with another who had the same experience, where confirmation is given to the shadows of the youngest memories you have been seeing in the darkness of your mind, it’s like an explosion of light. The thing is that I cannot seem to determine how I feel about the light being on and shining so brightly. For so many years I knew the shadows were real, even though my mind would tell me I was imagining things and making them up. It’s extremely difficult to write about this.

Part of me feels so okay due to processing things over the years and another part of me is literally a fucking mess. Mad, angry, sad and not wanting to accept any of what has gone on, nor do I want to forgive. Who are those people to think it is okay to touch, fondle, coerce, manipulate and feed off of innocence? Why is this sickness so prevalent on the planet? My mind starts asking so many questions and quickly wants to totally distract me from what I want to avoid and accept as true.

Keep taking deep breaths is what I tell myself, just keep breathing!! You have hit the core of your self-loathing and self-deprecation on a level you have not come to before. This is where it all began. The foundation of who and how I saw myself to be. My mind wants to get all logical and explain the emotions away, just get over it I hear. That comes from all of those who have told me to get over the fact that I have been molested and raped, always those who are guilty themselves or the men who only wanted to have sex with me and fulfill their needs. With people like that there is no compassion, no caring, not giving any fucks! For them it is only about me, me, and me!

The fact is this. It happened. Am I going to let myself be defined by this abuse anymore? Hell no! It’s not okay that it happened, but it did. I want to turn this anger, sadness and emptiness in my chest into love, strength and courage! I want to rise above this aching and feeling frozen in place to a higher vibration of movement and manifestation. At this time period the emotions and memories of sexual abuse to whatever degree are thick in the air, almost suffocating if I tune into it completely. All of those who believe, those who don’t and those who won’t because they just don’t want to look at it, any of it.

I am stronger than any of those non-believers! I don’t need them to believe, for I have been walking through life with these truths stored safely inside me so I could continue to stand. Many times it has given me courage that others did not have, especially those who do not believe, do not want to see and are all about me, me, me. I commend myself every day for my courage and strength to still exist and be me, in the face of the adversity that goes on in my mind about who I really am. I remember to ask myself what I was taught by a dear friend, “who’s talking” and I remind myself to talk to myself as I would someone I love! Pull strength from the pain and courage from the struggle.

It truly is sad that they were so attracted to our light they had to steal it, since they gave theirs away to the darkness. With that said, to myself and all of those who match my words, WE ARE FUCKING AWESOME STRONG BEINGS AND OUR PURPOSE IS TO LET THE BEAUTY OF OUR BRILLIANCE AND LIGHT SHINE BRIGHTLY! We did not come here to be victims. We came to be warriors and warriors we are!

woman punching the hand of man wearing training gloves

Photo by Sabel Blanco on Pexels.com

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Y’all come back with your pilots license

It was sometime in the summer of 1991. The oil wresting tour I was part of, that took us around different parts of the USA was over and so was our brief stint of madness in Florida. M rented a car and we were making our way up the east coast from Florida to Pennsylvania where my family was and I knew bars we could work at. It was about 4:00 AM when M woke me up for my turn to drive. We were on a mission of a nonstop driving trip, until plans changed and we were brought to a sudden halt. I was young, crazy, wild and I drove like a race car driver if I had the chance. Usually taking whatever car I was driving to its maximum speed if I could. I was a daredevil as always in all of my speediness and I was flying free on that empty highway until those fucking highway patrol lights came on behind me. I was busted and the officer was not about to let me off with only a speeding ticket after clocking me doing 111 MPH.

It was back in the day when things still existed somehow on some sort of honor system, since he had me follow behind him to the police station so he could arrest me. As I write, I’m trying to remember if they even read me my rights?  M and I talked for a brief moment about not following him and taking off, but quickly decided against that as we acknowledged that we had no fucking clue where we were except for somewhere in South Carolina. To say the least, we were nervous and freaked out about what was going to happen, even though my arresting officer was a nice man and said I was just going to be booked and released. I followed behind him as he told me to do and upon arrival they tried to run my Pennsylvania license, which made me more nervous because I knew there was a warrant out for my arrest from a speeding ticket I had gotten in Pennsylvania before moving to California. I had a little strike of luck in this situation because their system was not working to get the information about my license, so they went ahead and booked me, setting my bail at $200. I called my sister just in time before she went to work and she was able to wire me money on her way.

After that call the bailiff told me to strip down and put on a jail bird outfit. I wasn’t leaving their sight until bail was received and the Western Union would not be opening for a couple more hours. They told me that they told M to go sleep in the car until I was released. I was taken downstairs to where the women’s jail cells were and I became their new prisoner. The cell was an area of two big rooms. One room was a bigger open space with the bathroom and on the wall of bars was the payphone. In the other room were bunk beds, a table and television on a wall shelf. When I got there everyone was still asleep and there were no empty beds, so I laid down on the table to sleep. I remember waking up for a brief moment and breakfast trays were being passed over my body, then I fell right back to sleep. When I woke up a while later “The Price is Right” was on the television and all of the ladies were sitting around doing their thing. I asked what time is was and was told it was around 10:00 AM. I sat up instantly all freaked out that I was still there and grateful that no one kicked me off that table. In all honesty I was the only white person in the cell and some of those women looked pretty rough, but they were cool and I was far from being racist, so we were good. The ladies were very nice to me. They started asking me questions like how old I was and why I was there. When I told them I was 19 and speeding most of them just shook their heads in disbelief that they put me in there, not just letting me wait upstairs. I instantly got onto the payphone and called my sister to find out if the money was sent. She had sent the money within an hour after I spoke to her, so what was the issue? This is where the drama started to get a little bigger and my anxiety was now starting to show. A simple ticket had turned into a big ordeal and of course there was a shift change, so I was suddenly in new territory with the day people.

 

I called for the bailiff who came in with the attitude that I was bothering her, telling me that the money had not come and that my friend had left without me. That was some really upsetting information, but I could not believe any of it was true. The facts were that my sister wired the money and even though I didn’t know M long, I knew in my heart she didn’t just leave me there. Hell, she didn’t even know where she was or where she was going to. One of the woman who was in the part of the cell as I was in heard my conversation with the bailiff and got upset about how ridiculous it was they still had me. She quickly called upon the bailiff to come back in again. It was a different bailiff with the same sort of attitude who told me that someone needed to go get the money from the wire and everyone working there was too busy to go across the street and do so.  The woman in the cell with me had no issue telling them that it was bullshit they had me in there and keeping me for no good reason. She was very motherly to me. I felt safe and protected by her and those other woman who didn’t know me, but seemed to watch out for one another. I made another call to my sister and we were trying to figure out how to get me the fuck out of there. It was really getting concerning, if they were going to let me out and how long they were going to try to keep me there. They were all so nonchalant and really could have cared less. This was a catastrophe! And one I was stuck in and could not escape.

I don’t know exactly how much time passed but it felt like forever in my dramatic little mind. It happened though, the bailiff came to take me out of that place. I didn’t know how, but it was happening and that was all that mattered. I said my goodbyes to the ladies as I was leaving and so happy to go. I was given my clothes to change back into and sent to see someone upstairs to finish the bail process so I could finally leave. When I got to the top of the stairs what I first saw were two deputies hanging out doing a bunch of nothing. They were standing on the landing at the top of stairs and they guided me to go around the corner. In this room sitting behind a big wooden desk was a short and stout man who reminded me of Boss Hog from the Dukes of Hazard television show. He had the strong southern accent and an asshole attitude to match it. He was the chief of police or maybe a constable for that rinky dink town. He wanted me to sign the bail release receipt in which he had written for only One hundred dollars. When I asked for my other hundred dollars back he laughed with his big belly shaking and said Oh that would be my mistake….hahaha! He fixed the amount, I grabbed the receipt in disgust and off I went. As I went down the stairs one of the deputies said to me, Y’all come back with your pilots license next time. That was hysterical for those men as they were all cracking up laughing.

 

I was madder than a hornet. Those assholes just had a good time fucking with me and I came to find out when I got outside they were messing with M also. They were telling her that she couldn’t see me until visitor’s day which wasn’t until the next day and that they were all too busy to go get the wired money for my bail. We really had not known each other long and being so carefree it slipped our minds to know and remember each other’s last name. With no help from the police who had me captive and no idea of my last name M cried to the lady at the Western Union until she got the money. Thank God that lady was compassionate with a good heart or God only know how long they would have kept me in there. Before we left we went to a little café in town to get something to eat before getting back on the highway. It was so apparent the prejudice and racism that still went on in the town and we counted our blessings they we were getting out. As my mom said “you’re lucky they didn’t put you on the chain gang”.

 

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Shits and Giggles

wordswag_1533161402711This is one of the first memories I have of really hearing my guides or intuition if you will, speaking to me very loudly. I was fourteen years old and a newly excited aunty. I was always willing to do anything to take care of that little munchkin, thinking everything she did was oh so adorable. On that afternoon I had been kneeling on the floor in front of the bed to change her diaper. As my niece lay naked on the bed, as I was just about to put a new diaper on her, I heard “stand up” then again a little louder “STAND UP” then again “STAND UP“!! Without thinking I stood up just in time to miss being hit straight in the face with a warm spraying stream of baby poo. As I stood there in shock and laughing as it ran down my leg. I looked over to see my niece giggling too from that great release of shit she had so innocently just covered me in. That is when I realized nothing could change my mind about her, she was just so fucking cute! I had been saved from what could have been the most disgusting experience of my life and to think I could have been making one of those goofy crazy baby talk faces with my mouth wide open…..oh my gosh I was so lucky!!

LISTEN and take action when these warnings come. It just may save you from being hit in the face with a big shit storm….hahaha!

Just think…..people pay a lot of money to have that shit on your face experience. Whoa!

When in the face of adversity…laugh and keep walking! Life is short, find the amusement!

 

 

 

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The unexpected visitor

wordswag_1533185166814This is one of those stories that is not all light and fluffy. For me to write this now is actually quite emotional to think I’m putting it out into the world for anyone to read and know about. It’s actually really fucking unnerving!! I don’t make these kinds of things a big secret, but I am not prone to just tell the details of abuse. This kind of thing is not easy for anyone, especially when you have been told you deserved it for whatever reason some jackass could come up with, that’s including the voice within your own head.

The visitor came one evening while I was in the middle of a clairvoyant session with a friend. Everything was rolling along smoothly, as I was sharing with her what her very bubbly guide was speaking of.  Then out of nowhere and very unexpectedly appeared the spirit of a man who was bound in shackles. Everything about his appearance to me was dark and dingy. On both sides of him were two huge angels, that told me they were escorting him through the world as he made apologies and amends to those who he had hurt. Within seconds it came to me very clearly who he was when he was in a body, how I knew him and why he was there to visit me. It was a good thing that the person with me was a friend who knew many things about me, so I was safe to express what was happening and the emotions it was bringing up for me.

At that time period of life I was dealing with and healing a lot of sexual abuse that had happened to me since I was a young girl into my years as a young woman. It was quite apropo that this being would be showing up. If I remember correctly he had passed from this world not long before and his consciousness when he was alive, was that he was to pay penance for his sins. I had never seen this type of reconciliation happen with a spirit, but I’m always experiencing and learning something new.

When he was in a body he took advantage of me when I was at a very low, vulnerable and extremely intoxicated moment. It was the first night that I danced as a stripper and it was all nude on top of it, so there was nothing to hide behind. As you can imagine I got very drunk to even step on stage and then I continued to drink from the experience. I was obliviated and then everything went black until I woke up the next morning naked beside this man. He worked and lived above the club. I could tell something sexually happened while I was unconscious and I was devasted. I got out of bed and sat in the hallway crying until I could pull myself together. I was already at such a low point with my self esteem and life experience so far, I gathered that maybe it just wasn’t going to get any better and that was life. When I spoke to the club owners girlfriend later that evening about what had happened, she said “oh honey these things happen you’ll be okay”. So there I was, finally telling someone about a sexual act that I did not want to happen to me, to be told that I just needed to deal and get on with myself. I went on with my life, but just like any other abusive experience it lingers in the back of your mind and being, hanging in a closet for you to beat yourself up with at any given time.

The time had come for this spirit and I to both be free from our experience together and have forgiveness. His spirit spoke to me, telling me that he was sorry for inflicting pain, suffering and more cause for me to hate myself. I forgave his soul and my own self through many tears and sadness releasing from my heart. As I did so, I could see the energy about him becoming lighter and brighter and the same for myself, as we were both released from the darkness we had been residing in. It was actually very pleasant and the light of love came to fill up the space the darkness left from. That spirit thanked me, then he and his angel guards disappeared as quickly as they appeared. They were onto the next soul to release more of the darkness he had created and inflicted upon the world.

The effect we have upon each other, our own being and ultimately the state of the world is immense. Freedom of choice is ours without a doubt and what you choose does affect others, whether you see it or not. There is a good reason for the saying ” treat others as you would like to be treated”. Something to keep in mind as we walk through this life!

BTW….it was freaky as can be that he appeared looking the way he did and so unexpected, but I will always be grateful he showed up and scared the shit out of me that way. That was the best scary moment ever, to actually receive an apology for abuse done to me. If a ghost from your past shows up on a spirit or physical level stand still and look for the healing. It’s just another choice we have to heal or be hurt again.

 

 

 

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A birdy in my ear

wordswag_1532982328212Okay, so bankruptcy is nothing to be excited about, but when you are in so deep over your head you can’t seem to breath, it is. I was in that position and not proud of it by any means. I decided it was my best bet, which instantly brought relief  to my whole being, along with the question of how am I going to pay for it? Within a couple of days my Angels started giving me a repetitive message to speak to my friend/client about helping me out with this predicament I was in. I was already embarrassed enough and asking for help has never been an easy thing for me, so of course I did nothing for over two weeks. The Angels continued on and on during that time with the message to contact this person. Once again I got past myself and I wrote him an email asking if we could work something out like a package of massages for him and his wife?

He wrote back to me pretty quickly which I did not expect and on top of it he told me he would love to just help me, no need for massages. You see it was 2010 and so many businesses and individuals were having financial issues. Many people were losing everything and I came to find that he was one of them. He decided that before it was all gone he was going to help those he could with what he had, a true saint! I was a blessed recipient of his gifting. It helped me to breath and see the light of day again. Thank you to him and the Angels! Once again they led me to water, so I could drink in life. It pays to LISTEN especially when you feel like your stranded. The universe is hearing you, be open to the listening!

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Maria

wordswag_1533185811598I went with my friend Julio to visit his mother Maria in a convalescent home. Maria had been catatonic for at least seven years or more. The only way she seemed to be communicating with others was through her eye movement and scrunching her face. On the first of what would be many visits with Maria I sat down beside her to massage her hands while her son Julio spoke to her. Within a short time I began to hear Maria speaking within herself. I honestly do not remember what she was saying now, but I clearly remember her reaction when I spoke back to her on a spirit level and let her know that I could hear her. Maria was shocked that I could hear her. “Can you really hear me? No one has heard me in years!” Her excitement was that of someone who was locked in a room and the door was finally opened by a helpful stranger. Her excitement was mine also. To be the person on the other side of the door to greet her was and still is one of pure ecstasy and divine bliss. This was the inception of many conversations that brought peace, solace, healing, laughter and closure for her, her children and husband.

 

When speaking to Julio about his mother Maria and the experience of being able to communicate with her again after so many years, he told me many things. Julio said that he always knew his mother was present and could hear what he was saying to her on their visits. To start having such flowing communication with his mother through me helped to take him out of the perception and thoughts of the unrecognizable physical persona he was witnessing his mother to be. The communication with her brought back to him the true self of his mother. Julio could see Maria once again as the beautiful woman and mother he remembered her to be. There was such joy in sharing memories with her, hearing how she felt and a sense of relief was brought about to have closure and come to terms with her making her transition, along with letting her know he was ok with her leaving. Julio expressed that the communication he could have with her again was extremely emotionally healing, a true blessing and assisted him to find the happiness of what death brings.

 

When Maria decided to pass on from this world she did so in peace and contentment, something she had been waiting for. Bless her soul!

 

 

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The Cure

wordswag_1532981356830It had been a year and a half that I had been seeing Dr. Rojter, who is a liver specialist, with the intention that I could hopefully receive treatment for Hepatitis C. In all honesty, I wasn’t feeling so hopeful at that point with the ridiculously high price tag attached to these new cures that were released ($84,000 to $90,000 for 3 months) and the number of people who had really good insurance (mine was not) that were getting turned down. I was thinking of other ways of getting the treatment by possibly going to another country where it was going to be released for a tenth of the price in America.

My doctor was always on the mission no matter what. He would tell me what test to do and I would do them. He just kept driving the boat and I kept riding along. One morning I woke up feeling worse than I had ever felt and all I kept hearing my Angels say is contact the doctor. All I kept saying back to them is, “there is nothing he can do unless he has the treatment for me”. This back and forth conversation went on all day long with my Angels until just about the end of the business day, when they got louder and more persistent. I finally gave in and wrote him an email telling him that I was feeling terrible and did he have any ideas of what I could do?? Within less than an hour I received a phone call from Dr. Rojter. He said to me, Angela I have been thinking about you for a couple of days and I’m glad you contacted me. Angela, the drug company AbbVie, have you heard of them? I said yes. Well, they are offering one of my patients a free prescription. You fit the requirements, would you be interested? As I almost fell off of my own feet in that moment, I joyfully said YES!!!! I got off the phone and jumped up and down in tears for I had just won the lottery of life!! A second chance that many people don’t get. Having this virus since I was 11 years old from sitting in blood, I was truly in shock to finally be free of what is truly a parasite to the whole being not just the body.

A couple of days later I went to fill out the paperwork to receive this amazing gift. As I was driving home and crying tears of joy I noticed that my Jeep had filled up with the many spirits of my loved ones who were no longer in bodies. They came to tell me how happy they were for me and they had been working really hard to assist in answering my prayers and bring this miracle into manifestation. Many people could not wrap their brains around the fact that this drug company was just going to give me the treatment for free with no strings attached, no clinical trial, just an $84,000 treatment that was mailed straight to my address.

To tell this story always brings tears to my eyes and the biggest joy to my heart. All day long the Angels were trying to tell me that he had what I needed, but my stubbornness and rational brain stood in the way of receiving this news until I finally did what I was being asked to do. It truly pays to get out of our own way and LISTEN!! The Angels really know how to guide me in the right direction if we will only follow their lead. Our prayers are being heard and we are never alone. Call them angels, guides, ancestors, God, Goddess or oogly booglies….hahaha!

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